Episode #159: They Told My Son He Couldn’t Do Both: How I Pushed Back

0:00 The Gap Between Policy and Classroom Reality

Tonya: If a school team has ever told you, “We’d love to help your child, but district policy just won’t allow it,” you might be surprised to learn that statement is often wrong. Just this past week in North Carolina, a headline announced a massive district initiative to raise special education test scores and graduation rates.

But when you read the comments from parents, the truth came out. High-level promises don’t fix what is happening right now in the classroom. There’s often a massive gap between district promises and classroom reality.

Whether your child is neurodivergent, like having ADHD, autism, or dyslexia, or has a physical disability, watching a school system focus on administrative metrics while your child falls behind day to day is exhausting. Today, I’m gonna give you seven clear, actionable steps that you can take right now to advocate for your child with confidence, no matter where you live or what district policy says.

0:52 A Personal Story of Fighting for Access

So to understand why these steps are so critical, you have to look at how rigid school policies play out in real life. When my son Christopher was at the end of sixth grade, we sat down for his annual IEP review. Christopher was academically capable of advanced high-level coursework. He had been in the Gifted and Talented program as an elementary student, and we wanted him to stay along with his intellectual peers.

But because of his specific learning profile, he also needed special education resource support for him to be able to thrive in the classroom. During that IEP meeting, the school presented me with a choice that made my jaw drop. They said, “He can either take the advanced classes with his peers, or he can get resource support. But he can’t do both because we don’t have a resource teacher assigned to work with the advanced track.”

I remember sitting in that meeting room feeling completely stunned and a little bit furious. I was really confused because I thought that all children would have that support if they needed it.

You may be feeling the same way. The system was essentially telling me that because my son needed learning support, he had to give up his access to advanced academics.

It felt like kids who were bright and capable but happened to process learning differently were being pushed down into lower expectations simply because of administrative scheduling convenience. Sometimes you’ll hear these kids referred to as twice exceptional or 2e students. They have a high academic potential, but they also have a learning disability or some type of accommodations need that their peers don’t have.

I did not accept this either/or choice for my son, and I pushed back against that policy then and there. I did it respectfully, but I didn’t accept that as the final answer. Because my family held our ground and kept the focus strictly on Christopher’s individual needs, the team did eventually agree with us.

They placed him in the advanced classes and scheduled a dedicated block of time for him to work one-on-one with the resource teacher on his specific goals, and it worked out fine. But that annual IEP meeting was a huge eye-opener for me. It showed me that parents can’t afford to accept district policy at face value.

So how do you take control of your child’s education when you run into these same types of barriers?

3:08 Seven Steps to Master Your IEP Meetings

I’m gonna give you seven steps now that every parent needs in their toolkit.

First, remember that the I in IEP stands for individualized. Districts love to cite broad rules, track limitations, and master schedules, but federal law is very clear. Support services are based on your child’s individual needs, not administrative convenience.

If a policy limits what your child uniquely needs to succeed, challenge that policy, but do it respectfully. Two, separate systemic promises from current reality. When a school board announces a multi-year plan or a new curriculum like mine is doing right now, remember that your child’s education is happening today.

Don’t wait for a district to solve its staffing or funding issues three years down the road. Focus on getting the exact supports, accommodations, and services written explicitly into your child’s plan right now.

Three, build a paper trail for everything. If a service isn’t written down, it doesn’t exist.

If a promise was made verbally in a meeting, follow up with a brief, polite email summarizing what was agreed upon. If accommodations aren’t being provided in the classroom, document the dates and what occurred. Written records are your strongest leverage in any meeting.

Four, never accept either/or compromises on academic potential. Neurodivergent students frequently face low expectations. Never let a school tell you that your child can’t access advanced curriculum, electives, or social opportunities simply because they receive support services.

Accommodations exist so students can access high-level learning, not to hold them back.

Five, treat the team as a collaboration, not a battle. It’s easy to get defensive when you feel your child isn’t getting what they need. But whenever possible, approach the table as a collaborator. Frame issues around shared goals.

For example, “We both want Joey to succeed in reading this year. Here is where the breakdown is happening during independent work time. How can we write support for this into the plan?”

And six, empower your child to know their own needs. As early as possible, involve your child in understanding their own neurodivergence, learning style, or disability.

Help them learn to speak up for themselves, whether that’s asking for sensory breaks, requesting a quiet study place, or using assistive technology.  Building their self-advocacy skills is the ultimate long-term goal.

And if you’re getting value from this, before we hit number seven, go ahead and hit the like button, and subscribe to the channel too.

5:37 Finding Support in Your Advocacy Journey

So number seven, bring a knowledgeable partner to the table. You don’t have to navigate this complicated system by yourself. Having an experienced voice in your corner, whether an advocate, a trusted friend who knows the process, or a certified Master IEP Coach®, changes the entire dynamic of a meeting. It gives you clarity, confidence, and peace of mind.

Parenting a neurodivergent child or a child with a disability takes immense dedication. It can feel exhausting to constantly push against systemic barriers. But please hear me when I say this,  your advocacy matters, and you’re not by yourself in this.

If you’re sitting there right now feeling overwhelmed by an upcoming meeting, confused by district jargon, or struggling to get your child the classroom support they deserve, I want to help you directly. Send an email to iepcoach@waterprairie.com with your top three concerns about your child’s current school plan.

I’ll follow up with you to arrange a time when we can talk on the phone about your concerns and decide if IEP coaching is a good fit for you These calls are free, and they last about 20 minutes.

If this episode encouraged you, please share it with another parent who might need a boost of confidence today.

Keep supporting your amazing kiddo, and I’ll see you next time.