How to Prepare Your Child for an Independent Life
As parents, we often do things for our kids that we shouldn’t, and sometimes we don’t even realize it. It’s a common struggle fueled by love, busyness, and a desire to avoid conflict. But what if the very “help” we provide is accidentally holding our children back from achieving their full potential of living an independent life?
In a recent episode of the Water Prairie Chronicles, I sat down with Kristin Lombardi, MA and Christine Drew, PhD, the authors of Spectrum of Independence: How to Teach Your Neurodiverse Child Daily Life Skills. We tackled this tough question head-on, discussing how parents can shift from enabling their children to empowering them.
This episode is a must-listen for any parent, but if you’re looking for a quick guide to some of our biggest takeaways about preparing your child to live an independent life, read on.
It’s Never Too Late to Start (But Start Now)
For parents of young children, the future can feel both far away and terrifyingly close. For parents of teenagers, it can feel like the clock is ticking. Kristin and Christine’s first piece of advice is reassuring: it is never too late to start.
The earlier you begin, the more opportunities you have to practice. Rather than thinking about the immense mountain of skills your child needs to climb, start with a single, small hill. The goal is to build momentum. Pick one task, like brushing teeth or putting on a jacket, and start there. All those small steps add up to big wins for being independent.
The Hidden Problem: Why We Enable Our Kids
Let’s be honest: in the moment, it’s often easier to just do it ourselves. We’re in a rush, we’re trying to prevent a meltdown, or we’ve just gotten into the habit. Over time, this kind of “help” can lead to a surprising dynamic where, as our guest joked, your child begins to view you as their personal maid.
It’s not your fault; you’re reacting to your environment. But once you realize you’re doing it, you can take action. The first step to changing a behavior is recognizing it, and our guests explain how to do just that.
Your Two New Best Friends: Task Analysis & Fading Prompts
So, how do you start? The book introduces two powerful tools:
- Task Analysis: This means breaking a complex task into a series of tiny, manageable micro-steps. For example, instead of just “brushing your teeth,” a task analysis would include steps like: “get toothbrush,” “get toothpaste,” “put toothpaste on brush,” “turn on water,” and so on. This helps you pinpoint exactly where your child is getting stuck so you can help them through that one specific step, rather than the whole task.
- Fading Prompts: Once your child has learned a task, the next challenge is for you to fade yourself out of the routine. This can be as simple as stopping your verbal reminders and replacing them with a reminder on their phone. This allows your child to own the routine, which is crucial for building independence.
Independence is a Spectrum, Not a Finish Line
Many parents worry, “What if my child can’t ever be fully independent?” The episode offers a compassionate answer: independence is a spectrum, not a destination. We all rely on others for help.
Instead of focusing on some ultimate goal, celebrate every small victory. Did your child put their plate in the sink for the first time? That’s progress. Did they pick out their own outfit without help? That’s progress. These small steps build on one another and lead to a more fulfilling life for your child.
The College Analogy: Why Mistakes at Home are Priceless
My guests shared a powerful metaphor: if you don’t let your child off the leash early, they’ll go “straight into traffic” later. The most effective place for a child to make mistakes—like forgetting to shower or eating too much junk food—is at home, where there’s a safety net.
They suggested a fun, practical exercise: take your child to a buffet and let them fill their plate. How do they handle the freedom of choice? If they can’t handle it for one meal under your supervision, how can they be expected to handle an entire college cafeteria on their own?
Your Guidebook to Independence
Parenting a child with disabilities may present some real challenges as we prepare our children to live independent lives. Kristin and Christine have created a fantastic resource to help you along this journey. As they shared in our conversation, their book, Spectrum of Independence, is your guidebook. It is full of checklists, stories, and tools to help you get your child to the next step.
I appreciate the wisdom Kristin and Christine have shared with us in this interview and encourage you to check out their book. You can find a link in the show notes for this episode on the Episode 134 main page: https://waterprairie.com/2025/08/24/independence/ or Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/HHSMX3CqnHI.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ):
1. Is it too late to start teaching my child independence if they are already a teenager?
It’s never too late. The first step is to recognize where you are providing too much support and then start to “fade” yourself out of those routines.
2. What is a “task analysis”?
A task analysis is a tool used to break down a larger skill, like brushing teeth or getting dressed, into a series of tiny, manageable micro-steps. This helps pinpoint exactly where a child needs support.
3. Am I enabling my child without realizing it?
Yes, it’s very common. As a parent, you’ve likely been in “survival mode,” doing tasks for your child to keep the peace and get through the day. The first step is simply recognizing your own role in the routine and making the mental shift from doing things for your child to teaching them to do things for themselves.
4. Why is it so hard for me to let go?
It is incredibly difficult. Many parents of children with disabilities have spent years advocating and fighting for their child’s needs, and it can feel like a big shift to suddenly trust that they will be okay. The book, Spectrum of Independence, suggests having empathy for yourself and understanding that your past actions were based on your child’s needs at the time.
5. How can technology help a young adult with independence?
Technology, like phone alarms or calendars, can be an excellent way to replace verbal prompts. You can help your child set up reminders for daily tasks like waking up, taking medication, or doing laundry.
6. What happens if I wait to teach independence?
The consequences of waiting can be greater. It’s much safer for a child to make mistakes (like not showering or not eating healthy meals) at home, where you have a safety net, than it is for them to experience the consequences for the first time when they are living on their own in college or an apartment. The home is the ideal place to practice these skills.
7. What if my child doesn’t ever become fully independent?
Independence is a spectrum. The goal is not a “finish line” but continuous progress. Every small step, from putting a plate in the sink to choosing their own clothes, is a win and can lead to a more fulfilling life.
